Cancer.
Yes. I had it. Triple-Negative Breast Cancer.
I can’t seem to recall the specifics because I seem to be in a state of avoidance lately.
April 17th will be my second anniversary of being released from active treatment.
I have an appointment- a routine follow-up appointment – on Monday, with the surgeon who performed my double mastectomy.
I feel guilty somewhat.
I’m going on with my life like it never happened.
And yet, my perspective has changed.
And yet, I get resentful sometimes of how it has changed me.
And I feel weird
And I avoid
And I feel pressure
And
This is a glimpse, a very small, millisecond, glimpse into my brain, when I think about cancer….
Yappity 
Although I did not get diagnosed with cancer, I know where you are coming from. The unease within the ease is frightening and you feel like you are somewhere you don’t quite belong. Yet, you are in the perfect place. Odd sensations. We need to get together soon.
I suppose there are lots of things good and bad that have influence on us but do not change our actions as much as they should (or we would like)…and like you implied…change us in ways we don’t really like. And for those less good things…nag us in the back of our minds that they happened and will always be a fact. Not that they nag you in time to keep you from repeating an old pattern…no….couldn’t be helpful….just afterward in order to spawn self-loathing. Good things are sooo much easier to forget. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Broken records are the commodity of our family. You bought stock, like it or no, lol!