My son hates me with the fire and rage of a million nuclear bombs. But he cannot articulate why.

My problem is that I still love him. Because he’s my kid. And he’s a teenager. And I know the kind of hatred you have for your mother or your father or both your parents when you’re a teen. When you have parents whom you need to push against in order to become an adult. So, I can’t abandon him. How would that help?

But wow, the darkness of this hatred! And since I’ve been the main caregiver for most of his life, this really really dark hatred is all, ALL, directed towards me.

How can I wait it out? How am I supposed to live in the same house with someone that hates me this much? Who actually despises me for loving him? Who actually does NOT want me to care about him. How am I supposed to maintain any sense of sanity? He hates me because he hates himself, and how can that not make a mother want to die?

He wants me to give up on him. He really does. But I’m a mom. And that’s not in my nature.

But neither is it in my nature to want to be around someone who constantly looks like they’d like to spit in my eye, and metaphorically does so every day. I’m a heart attack waiting to happen. Or just a well-timed swerve…..

Geeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzusssssss, when will my Focalin be filled??? 11 days without it and I’m feeling it.